My Unscripted Life

Where did the years go when I used to have a crush on Devon Sawa, and watched Saturday morning cartoons without a care in the world?

Where did the years go when I used to ride Foh Hup buses for cross country practice and left bread out for the squirrels in the quiet afternoons?

Where did the years go when I used to borrow library books and struggled with mechanical pencils?

Where did the years go when I used to trudge inside secondary forests, and pretended to cook weeds by the tiny creek?

Where did the years go when I used to catch the rabbit that escaped the neighbours pen and kept it hidden in my laundry basket?

Where did the years go when a tall wardrobe looked like adventure and the end of the road was a mystery to me?

Where did it all go.

I miss my innocence and childish dreams.

now&then

Yet another chapter of my life ends…

The realisation hit, not as I took my scroll from the pro-chancellor,

Neither was it when I checked for my final results.

It was three months ago, when I visited the campus to settle some outstanding fines which would have prevented me to graduate. I took a day’s leave from work, and headed off to campus one clear Monday morning.

It greeted me as I entered the front gate.

UiTM Hak Org Melayu?

I could feel the shame creeping up to me. The realisation of where I have graduated from. What symbol it stood for. What it still stands for today.

I’ve said my peace on how I feel about it. But it still didn’t help that so many more feel the need to protect their rights. Rights which should belong to everyone. The right towards education.

I had a choice then, as I stood stunned in front of that billbaord. I could live with a lifetime of regrets for choosing this University as my Alma Mater, or I could reflect instead on the good times I have had here.

I remember that rainy day, when we decided to make a run for the dormitories. Our shoes were being soaked through after unsucessfully avoiding puddles of water. We looked at each other as we approached the edge of the steep staircase at the side of the hill. Laughingly, we took off our shoes, and ran down the staircase, and onto the road barefoot.

For whatever that has happened between us since then, I’d want her to know just how much that moment meant to me then and now.

I remember my classmates. However flawed they seem to be at first, were really some of the greatest people I have met. Sweet and creative Fuzan, who could create anything she wanted to on her computer. Compassionate and brave Erin, who battled through so much in the short time that I have met her. Ambitious and studious Anis, who through it all, maintained such a steadfastness I have come to admire so much.

Yanti, the ever singing siren who could charm anyone into her life. I’m sorry if there were times I may have been too tough on you, but I hold the adage of “being cruel to be kind,” and believe me, when I say that only wished the best for you.

Feer, the ever agreeable and diplomatic guy, who through out the years I’ve known him, have always had a smile and a grin on him.

Hairil, the shrill and amicable “handsome” guy, who, despite what people think of him, has always been true to himself.

Mimi, always her amicable and cheery self. I’ve always found your positive outlook in life to be refreshing from the cynicism that always surrounded me.

Farah, my first friend on campus. I thank you for all that you have done for me those first few weeks of brutal reality for me.

Dhany, always the ever willing to listen and hear me out. Linda, I’ll always remember your bravery and your no-nonsense attitude, which saved our class a few times. Hafiz and Gewe, for all of the laughter you both have brought to all of us.

I remember all the times I have spent with Eddy…the ever loyal listener. I treasure your friendship to this day.

I made friends here. I made many memories here. It isn’t the University that I hate. It’s the idea of education being denied to so many others who are looking for it.

For all of the mistakes that I have made here.  I realised that I have no regrets. I am proud to have graduated from this institution, to have met great individuals along the way.

As I sat in that grand hall, and saw other people receiving their scrolls from the Pro-Chancellor, I’ve also noticed something.

It wasn’t Malays who were graduating from this hall. They were Malaysians. There wasn’t a single person in that entire hall who could claim to be a pure Malay. There was a Ranjit, there was a Lee, there was a Dickson, there was even a Smith.

Sooner a later, everyone will realise that what they have so fiercely tried to protect from other races would be in vain. For there was nothing to stop people from falling in love. And creating a hybrid that could no longer be identified as one single race.

He or she would be just that; a Malaysian. And that day is here. That day is now.

Here's looking to the future...

I tread on the potholed roads that lead to my place of learning.
It has worn out many pairs of shoes…
The strappy ones to go with my new baju kurung on my first day.
The cushiony ones that I have taken off while rain beat down on my back and hers.
The expensive sensible ones that made me feel out of place and un-belonged.
The cheap tacky ones which I got out from the discount bin, after I received my student loan.
The flat flip flops that I gotten used to wearing only after seeing others wearing them.
Shoes that have come and gone.
Yet still pile on top of one another,
near the front door,
which leads to the mornings that I can’t take back.

I tread on the potholed roads that lead to my place of learning.
It has worn out many pairs of shoes…
The strappy ones to go with my new baju kurung on my first day.
The cushiony ones that I have taken off while rain beat down on my back and hers.
The expensive sensible ones that made me feel out of place and un-belonged.
The cheap tacky ones which I got out from the discount bin, after I received my student loan.
The flat flip flops that I gotten used to wearing only after seeing others wearing them.
Shoes that have come and gone.
Yet still pile on top of one another,
near the front door,
which leads to the mornings that I can’t take back.

~kaeisace

It’s a beautiful world out there…
If only I could see,
Without the blurriness that be,
That has haunted me since.
A Silicone goddess visits me.
They are clear and curved,
much like the ones that adorn
buxom women,
but gives clarity instead
of the obscurity of ample bosoms.
It arches around my eye sockets.
Locking it in a prison
That threatens to hurt and maim it.
A cruel joke
That’s what it is.
Blood for definition.
Tears in exchange for a face
that is unhampered by metal, plastic and glass.
The price of beauty
is paid in blood and tears.

p/s- eye infection is not going away.

~kaeisace

It’s a beautiful world out there…
If only I could see,
Without the blurriness that be,
That has haunted me since.
A Silicone goddess visits me.
They are clear and curved,
much like the ones that adorn
buxom women,
but gives clarity instead
of the obscurity of ample bosoms.
It arches around my eye sockets.
Locking it in a prison
That threatens to hurt and maim it.
A cruel joke
That’s what it is.
Blood for definition.
Tears in exchange for a face
that is unhampered by metal, plastic and glass.
The price of beauty
is paid in blood and tears.

p/s- eye infection is not going away.

Have you lost yourself in the moment? To be so completely involved in that single moment in time. Like a song that transports you. Or a shadow cast onto the ground in the most perfect angle. The breadth of it inspires you to dream. Every single being in your body responds to that moment.

As suddenly as it came, it goes away.

You’ve felt it before. You know what it feels like. You hold on to it for as long as you can. But as soon as you try to hang on to it, it fades away, slipping through you fingers.

During a tuition session with Tuti, we did Keats’ Ode to Melancholy. She said something really profound that stayed with me to this day. She said that we couldn’t be melancholic in the truest sense until we have experienced acute happiness. It is at that moment of happiness that we realize that, that moment will be gone. With happiness, you can’t help but feel that utter feeling of sadness. Of that feeling of happiness being short lived.

Do you feel that? I do. I am so aware of it. And it scares me sometimes.

by ~R-A-e

Have you lost yourself in the moment? To be so completely involved in that single moment in time. Like a song that transports you. Or a shadow cast onto the ground in the most perfect angle. The breadth of it inspires you to dream. Every single being in your body responds to that moment.

As suddenly as it came, it goes away.

You’ve felt it before. You know what it feels like. You hold on to it for as long as you can. But as soon as you try to hang on to it, it fades away, slipping through you fingers.

During a tuition session with Tuti, we did Keats’ Ode to Melancholy. She said something really profound that stayed with me to this day. She said that we couldn’t be melancholic in the truest sense until we have experienced acute happiness. It is at that moment of happiness that we realize that, that moment will be gone. With happiness, you can’t help but feel that utter feeling of sadness. Of that feeling of happiness being short lived.

Do you feel that? I do. I am so aware of it. And it scares me sometimes.

by ~R-A-e